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Why saying no can feel so difficult
The holiday season often brings social obligations that leave many feeling overwhelmed. While celebrations are meant to be joyful, the pressure to attend events or meet expectations can trigger physical stress responses-tightened stomachs, dry mouths, or elevated heart rates.
Dr. Xand and Dr. Chris van Tulleken, hosts of the BBC's What's Up Docs podcast, admit they've struggled with this discomfort. "We both get the wobbly voice," Dr. Xand says. "It's hard to say, 'Actually, I don't want to do this thing we're all expected to do.'"
The mental health case for setting boundaries
Refusing requests isn't just about avoiding unwanted commitments-it's a critical skill for mental health. "Whether you're eight or 80, saying no and standing up for your beliefs is important," Dr. Xand emphasizes. Behavioral scientist Dr. Sunita Sah adds that societal conditioning often equates compliance with virtue, while defiance is framed as negative.
"Children are trained to obey, but they also need training in defiance," she argues. "To defy is to act in line with your true values, especially when pressured otherwise."
Three strategies to say no with confidence
1. Reframe the act of refusal
Dr. Sah suggests viewing "no" as a positive assertion of values rather than a rejection. Start by identifying core principles-like integrity or compassion-and writing them down. Research shows this increases alignment between actions and beliefs.
2. Buy time before responding
If pressured for an immediate answer, create psychological distance. Phrases like "Let me think about it" or "I'll get back to you" allow space to evaluate the request. Dr. Sah notes that physical separation-stepping away from the conversation-can also clarify decisions.
3. Practice in low-stakes situations
Everyday choices-declining a neighbor's invitation or ignoring a salesperson-build confidence. "It's not glamorous, but these small acts of defiance are essential self-protection," Dr. Xand says. Dr. Sah adds that reflecting on past successes can help apply the same courage to bigger challenges.
When to prioritize your values
The most critical refusals involve requests that conflict with deeply held values. Dr. Sah advises asking: "Am I going against what matters to me?" Practicing in minor scenarios makes it easier to say no when it truly counts.
"We can lean into situations where defiance felt easier and use those lessons elsewhere."
Dr. Sunita Sah
Where to learn more
For further insights, listen to What's Up Docs? on BBC Sounds or other podcast platforms. The show explores practical ways to prioritize self-care and boundaries.
