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Rethinking emotional control: A psychologist's guide
Ethan Kross, a leading expert in emotional psychology, argues that society's haphazard approach to managing feelings often backfires. In his latest book, Shift: How to Manage Your Emotions So They Don't Manage You, he offers research-backed strategies to navigate emotional challenges more effectively.
The myth of 'good' and 'bad' emotions
Kross challenges the common belief that emotions can be neatly divided into positive and negative categories. He emphasizes that all emotions serve a purpose, even those typically labeled as harmful.
"We evolved the ability to experience all emotions for a reason. Anger can motivate us to correct an injustice. Sadness can lead us to introspect and find new meaning. Envy can push us to strive for goals. In the right proportions, all emotions are useful."
Ethan Kross, psychologist at the University of Michigan
He draws a parallel to physical pain, noting that people born without the ability to feel pain often face shorter lifespans due to undetected injuries. Similarly, suppressing negative emotions entirely can be counterproductive.
The illusion of helplessness
Many people assume their emotions are beyond their control, a mindset Kross attributes to a lack of awareness about emotion regulation. While we can't always control the initial trigger of a feeling, we can influence how we respond to it.
"If you don't believe you can change your emotional responses, you won't even try," he says. "But the tools exist-we just need to use them strategically."
Tools to shift emotional states
Kross introduces the concept of "shifters"-techniques that help redirect emotions. One underused tool is music, which most people enjoy but rarely turn to during emotional distress. Another is environmental change, even on a small scale.
"We form attachments to places just as we do to people," he explains. "A local park, a favorite café, or even a specific room can serve as an emotional oasis-a safe space to reset."
Research also shows that curating one's environment with plants, images of nature, or photos of loved ones can accelerate emotional recovery. In one study, participants exposed to pictures of loved ones while facing stress recovered faster.
The surprising role of distraction
While chronic avoidance of emotions is harmful, Kross argues that temporary distraction can be beneficial. Flexibility-knowing when to confront a problem and when to step away-is key.
"Sometimes immersing yourself in something unrelated for a day can diminish the intensity of a problem. You might return to it with a clearer perspective."
Ethan Kross
This approach aligns with research showing that people who balance emotional expression and suppression tend to fare better long-term.
Reframing social comparison
Kross acknowledges that social comparison is inevitable but can be reframed to work in one's favor. Instead of dwelling on feelings of inadequacy, he suggests using others' achievements as motivation.
"If someone outperforms you, ask yourself: They did it-why can't I? Turn it into a target to aim for."
Personal strategies for tough moments
Kross's go-to techniques include distanced self-talk-using his own name or the second-person pronoun to coach himself through problems-and mental time travel, reflecting on how he'll feel about a situation in the future or comparing it to past challenges.
When these methods fall short, he turns to trusted advisors or visits one of his "emotional oases," such as a local arboretum or a campus office with positive associations.
A call for deliberate emotional management
Kross's book advocates for a more intentional approach to emotions, urging readers to integrate these tools into daily life rather than leaving their well-being to chance.
Shift: Managing Your Emotions So They Don't Manage You is published by Vermilion (UK) and Crown (US).
