Ask Onix
From crisis talks to calming tantrums
A former Scotland Yard negotiator reveals how techniques from high-stakes hostage situations can help parents maintain peace at home.
Who is Nicky Perfect?
Nicky Perfect served more than three decades with the Metropolitan Police, including a decade as an international hostage and crisis negotiator in New Scotland Yard's elite unit. Now, she applies the same strategies to parenting challenges.
The 'no-choice choice' method
Children often resist direct instructions. Instead of asserting authority with phrases like "because I said so," Perfect suggests reframing requests to give children a sense of control.
For example, rather than ordering a child to wear a coat, ask whether they prefer to put it on indoors or outside. Similarly, offer a picky eater a choice between two vegetables. The goal remains the same, but the approach reduces immediate pushback.
Pause before reacting
When emotions run high, Perfect advises waiting 90 seconds before responding. This delay helps prevent impulsive reactions and allows logic to override heightened feelings.
"Your job in life is not to change people... the only thing you can choose is how to respond."
Advice Nicky Perfect received from an FBI agent
She recalls applying this principle when her stepdaughter asked to spend Christmas with her father after he moved away. Though Perfect wanted her to stay, she paused and acknowledged her stepdaughter's wishes, ultimately planning an alternative celebration.
Empathy as a negotiation tool
Understanding a child's perspective can ease conflicts. Perfect calls this the "power of negotiation"-explaining the reasoning behind decisions makes them more palatable.
For bedtime struggles, she recommends setting expectations early. Instead of announcing bedtime abruptly, weave it into conversations throughout the evening: "After dinner and TV, it's time for bed." This approach helps children feel included and reduces resistance.
