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How 'phubbing' harms relationships and a simple fix to stay present
Snubbing someone in favor of your phone-dubbed 'phubbing'-has quietly become a daily habit, disrupting personal connections without most users realizing the damage. While many acknowledge the problem, the reflex to check devices persists, often dozens of times a day, fragmenting conversations and eroding trust in relationships.
The emotional toll on partners and children
Research suggests phubbing doesn't just annoy-it weakens emotional bonds. Partners may feel ignored or undervalued, while children face longer-term consequences: younger kids experience diminished attachment to distracted parents, and older children report lower self-esteem, interpreting phone use as rejection.
Psychologists warn the issue extends beyond momentary frustration. "Once someone feels sidelined, it can spark a cycle of retaliation," notes Dr. Claire Hart of the University of Southampton. Her study of 196 participants found that perceived phubbing correlates with poorer relationship satisfaction, as ignored individuals often mirror the behavior-grabbing their own phones-deepening the disconnect.
A psychologist's 'transparency tactic' to break the habit
Instead of self-criticism for poor self-control, experts advocate a mindful shift: verbalizing your phone use. Dr. Kaitlyn Regehr, Associate Professor at University College London, proposes a straightforward method to curb automatic scrolling: announce your intent before picking up the device.
"Say, 'I'm checking my train times,' or 'I need to reply to my mum-then I'll focus on you,'" Regehr told Woman's Hour. This twofold benefit interrupts autopilot behavior while reassuring the other person they remain a priority. "It's about accountability," she adds. "You're less likely to spiral into unrelated apps when you've stated a purpose."
"It stops the other person feeling ignored. And it keeps you accountable, because you're less likely to drift into other apps or endless scrolling."
Dr. Kaitlyn Regehr, Associate Professor, University College London
Why re-engagement matters after screen time
Even brief phone interruptions fracture shared moments, research shows. Returning to a paused conversation requires effort to rebuild rapport-time that's often lost to further distractions. The key, psychologists say, lies in explicitly re-engaging after phone use: putting the device away and verbally transitioning back to the interaction.
For parents, this practice models healthy tech boundaries for children. For couples, it signals respect. "Small acts of transparency can rebuild trust over time," Hart explains, emphasizing that consistency matters more than perfection.
Breaking the cycle
The spiral of mutual phubbing often begins subtly-a glance at a notification, a "quick" reply-before escalating into parallel silence. To counter this, Regehr suggests treating phone use like any other interruption: acknowledge it, limit it, then return. Over time, this reduces the emotional residue of feeling secondary to a screen.
While no strategy eliminates distractions entirely, intentionality can mitigate the harm. "The goal isn't to never use your phone around others," Regehr clarifies. "It's to make the choice visible-so the relationship, not the device, sets the terms."
